Oh Hello Fear…Welcome
I thought I was pretty transparent, but the ego can be very sly. There were cleverly concealed parts of myself that I obviously preferred not to let others…or apparently myself…see. I had convincingly created an unshakeablely courageous and trusting illusion that my mind had bought into as being me.
But my body was telling me a different story.
I had begun a practice of tuning into what was going on in my body at all times…or probably more accurately, as often as I remembered to…since as we’ve already established, I’m capable of lying to myself!
I am, however, quite consistent with this practice. So I was aware that anxiety was quite often settling in my chest – when I was in certain conversations, when I would read something unsettling, when I would watch something disagreeable, when I would encounter author’s views that were in opposition to mine, when I was planning an unfamiliar activity, and even when I was booking a flight to go to a spa (yes, ironic…I know).
It seemed that many things were bringing up turbulent emotions in me. Which at first didn’t make sense.
I shared my messy emotions with a couple friends who both responded – “Really? That doesn’t sound like you!”
Huh…interesting. Clearly I painted the fearless picture well. I wasn’t intentionally trying to be deceitful of course, since even I was quite convinced by my own version of myself. So when my friends said that didn’t sound like me, I thought – but what if it really is?
I was having fears that were not typical for me come up. …And when I say not typical, I mean ones that I wasn’t willing to acknowledge before, but were there nevertheless – fear of security and fear of safety were the two main themes.
It was a conversation with a friend that ended up being the tipping point. As I was listening to her share what was going on in her life, my thought stream was – “Wow, can it really get this shitty?!” These thoughts weren’t in judgement of her, but rather some of my deepest fears were being triggered.
I left the conversation feeling completely drained, tense with anxiety, and spinning stories as to why I felt as I did.
At first I wondered if I was perhaps picking up on her energy – “it clearly must be what she is going through, and I’m taking on some of her energy.” You know, the old spiritual excuse for not wanting to own our own feelings kind of story. Eventually I had to admit that idea was a cover-up for what was really going on.
After trying to distract myself from those feelings, I realized I just needed to feel them. I didn’t need to know the reason they were there, I just needed to acknowledge them…and if I needed to know the why, that would come on its own. The story creation just added to the scattered energy I was feeling.
So, after having dropped needing to know why, I went to the gym where as I was doing my 100th push-up (okay, that’s a lie…gosh, now I’m even lying to you!), I was hit with an insight. And this one felt authentic. I could feel the truth in my body.
The insight was that I had been pushing some of my fears down…and now they were coming to the surface.
I truly believe we are meant to have outrageously good lives; that we get to have it all. And my friend’s reality was f*@$in’ with my reality.
I did, however, know that when unwanted things occur in our lives there’s a message in it. It’s the Universe’s way of cleaning up what isn’t working so that what does work has room to come in.
Regardless of that knowing, I really didn’t want to know about the shitty stuff. I was resistant to any contradiction to my belief that life was meant to be good, because that meant I had to acknowledge that maybe there was part of me that wondered if everything could actually be as good as I expected it to be. I mean, people claim it can’t. So who am I to say that it can. I still have some things that I’d like to improve, so maybe I’m not in a position to say we get to have it all.
But instead of spiralling into self-doubt, I finally realized that I needed to accept and embrace everything; I needed to acknowledge my emotions without making them wrong…and I needed to have faith in my intuition along with being willing to completely trust the flow and process of life.
The fear was a message for me, reminding me that there were parts where I wasn’t fully trusting; where I wanted control over my safety and security. I wanted assurance.
But I already am assured. Even when we encounter the shitty parts, their purpose is to get us to the better parts. The Universe is a creative and benevolent intelligence that is continually pulling us in the direction of our good. And when we get out of the way…the path is much more direct.
As soon as I acknowledged my insight, and recognized the message of the fear, I felt a weight lift and the tension eased from my chest.
Once I accepted it, fear had the freedom to move on.
We are being called to be brutally honest with ourselves, and the Universe isn’t going to accept anything that is less than authentic.
We aren’t really aiming to live a complete shit-free existence (although I will say, that as you raise your consciousness, you do experience less of the crappy stuff…it just is how it is…life gets better) but we are aiming to see our lives through the eyes of our soul in every moment. It’s a totally different perspective.
I was feeling that my safety and security were fragile. Once I acknowledged this, my Soul Team was able to swoop in and help quiet my fears and mellow my mind chatter.
I felt this shift in my body. I got it. No more lying.