You Are Not Meant To Get It Right
And magic. Oh I do love magic.
We, my family and I, live in a house that we have long outgrown. We moved here when our youngest was a tiny baby, and that tiny baby is now a beautifully spirited five year old. His older brother, almost eight, is also a highly sensitive soul with lots of energy and desire to explore his world. Space is an issue at home, particularly when both parents need their own space to work, and when we value space for creativity, learning, play, and quiet time.
I felt the need to move back in 2014. I was so ready to leave and was convinced that we’d find something quickly. I levelled all our garden beds and returned everything to grass (we live in a rental).
Months and months went past. I inspected dozens upon dozens of houses, and they were never right.
Eventually, over a year later, after a lot of growing frustration, I surrendered the whole matter to the Universe and affirmed that it would happen in the right time. I put it down to a question of timing, and left it at that.
Late last year I saw this lovely intuitive reader. The house issue wasn’t on my mind, and yet it came up.
Someone has the brakes on, she told me.
Not me, I hastily replied. I just knew it wasn’t me. No one in this household wants to move more than me.
But guess what?
It was me. Just not the conscious me.
I was so shocked at what I learnt, what I’d been hiding for such a long time, that I wept. I wept at the discovery and I wept at the magical way in which I was being guided.
I was the one who had the brakes on. Because of emotions and beliefs I had locked away, ones that I couldn’t bear to have surface, I have kept us here.
It all made perfect sense.
So let me take you back just briefly.
After our first child was born, I went through a period of depression. It was, in hindsight, to mark the beginning of my breakdown (or if I’m to reframe it, my breakthrough!). We left our home in the UK and moved to Australia – a very painful experience that awoke old feelings in me around how I should have mothered my baby. Some part of me never wanted to experience that again.
I experienced episodes of extreme rage, and aside from feeling desperately homesick, I was also very very lost with an emotionally intense little boy who left me feeling so alone. When our second child was born, I went through the darkest time of my life. We were living in Sydney, my husband worked long hours in the city, no friends, no family, a toddler I didn’t understand or connect with who seemingly made life so hard and then a baby who never stopped crying, day or night. I felt hopeless, and very scared. My depression got to a stage where I had to start taking medication and seeing a clinical psychologist (who didn’t help, but that’s besides the point!).
After we moved to the beautiful Central Coast of NSW, I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue.
The point is this: I never felt like I did enough to help my children because of the state I was in. I used mainstream techniques that made matters worse with both of them. I was so disconnected from who I was that I wasn’t able to listen to the voice inside.
Because I didn’t know how.
I was riddled with guilt over things I regretted doing. The shame ate at me constantly. Why didn’t I hold him more? Why did I let him cry like that? Why was I always depressed?
I have no doubt that my mind, with all its punishing thoughts, together with the heavy guilt and shame contributed to my exhaustion and chronic fatigue.
I sought ways to relieve the guilt, to temper the sadness and grief, but I never dealt with the root issue.
All my suffering, all my pain sprung from a story that I should have done more. I should have been more to my children.
Fast forward to 2015, and whilst I’d shifted and healed so much around those early years as a mother, that story had never really had my full attention.
More importantly, I didn’t want to relive all that I went through. Moving house would bring it all up and open those floodgates. A big change like that always has us looking back and reflecting.
We’ve been in this house for almost five years. It’s seen A LOT. Part of me didn’t want to pack up and leave it behind along with the rooms that my children have slept in all this time, the room I slept in with my baby latched onto me, the floor that my baby crawled on, and all the hundreds of ‘firsts’.
I associated guilt, sadness and grief with that time of their lives. Emotions that have kept me tied to this very house.
Now here’s the paradox: Those beliefs and those judgements I had about myself held me back, and kept me (and us) from moving forward, and yet…
This has all unfolded in the perfect way and in the perfect time.
I haven’t missed out on the right house for us. It’s still waiting for us.
So once I knew what I knew, I didn’t waste any time. I was ready to release this and shift it.
How did I release it?
I spent several hours one morning literally talking to the ocean. Out loud. Offering everything. Affirming what I really want for my life and my children’s. Acknowledging that fear of change within me, speaking to it, and that part of me that is scared to leave it all behind.
I sat in ritual. I journalled. I let it go. I let it go. I let it go.
I felt different inside. I opened up that room within me and allowed it to take up some space simply by allowing it to be. I told it it was free to go, and so it no longer haunts me, or tears me apart late at night.
And I forgave myself for judging myself so harshly. Big time forgiving!
My higher self knows the truth, as yours does. And I decided to align with that truth. Once and for all.
Here’s the truth:
You are not meant to get it right.
All the Universe asks of you is that you show up in all your (messy) glory in any given moment and show up with love. Love for yourself and love for others.
Show up with integrity, show up with kindness, show up with childlike curiosity.
Show up with a whole heart.
My heart was always in the right place. I was just very confused, very exhausted and very depressed.
So wherever you have been along your journey, whatever state you have been in, OWN IT.
Own the fact that you stumble, own the fact that you didn’t know how, own the fact that you are constantly learning.
Take this with you today and every day. Say it in front of the mirror if it beckons:
I am not meant to get it right. I just need to show up with a whole heart. And that is enough!
If there’s something you need to release, find your way to let it go. Immerse yourself in your favourite spot in nature and ask Mother Nature to take it from you. Burn in a fire. Journal the heck out of it. Say goodbye in a special ritual.
Here’s to you aligning with your truth (and us finally moving house!)
Vanessa Teklenburg is a Radical Surrender Visionary devoted to guiding other women to Remember, to dance joyfully with Life and open themselves up to courageously letting go, with the intention of uncovering their true, magnificent self. Vanessa is the creator of the #AbaloneSet, a Homeschooling Mama to two incredible boys, and an ocean soul muddling gracefully but fiercely along this magical, but messy, path called Life.
Vanessa is offering subscribers of the Soul Soup Blog-a-Thon 20% off her Deluxe Abalone Set, a sacred intentional tool to support you in releasing the old and embracing the new along your path. Head to her website to purchase using the code SOULSOUP.